The name derives from the idea of a vacuum cleaner sucking someone back in.

Hoovering #

What do we refer to when we talk about the “hoover” tactic in interpersonal relationships? #

In interpersonal relationships, the term “hoover” tactic (or “hoovering”) refers to a manipulative strategy used by individuals, particularly those with narcissistic or abusive tendencies, to draw someone back into a relationship or interaction after a period of separation or emotional distance.

The name derives from the idea of a vacuum cleaner (like a Hoover) sucking someone back in. This tactic often occurs when the manipulator senses that their control is slipping or when their target is attempting to move on or establish boundaries.

Hoovering can manifest in several ways, including:

• Promises of Change or Improvement: The manipulator may suddenly express remorse, promising that they will change their behavior or make amends, often without any genuine intention of following through.

• Playing the Victim: They may present themselves as the victim, suggesting they are suffering without the other person, or they might invent crises to evoke sympathy and guilt from the other party.

• Rekindling Positive Memories: The manipulator might bring up good memories from the relationship, evoking nostalgia and emotional connection to lure the person back into a state of vulnerability.

• Guilt Trips or Emotional Appeals: They might exploit the target’s empathy or sense of responsibility by implying that leaving the relationship will cause great harm to the manipulator (or even others, such as children or mutual friends).

• Sudden Attention or Affection: After a period of neglect or emotional distance, the manipulator may suddenly shower the target with affection, attention, or gifts, creating confusion and leading the target to question whether they misjudged the situation.

• Anger or Aggression: If subtler methods fail, the manipulator might resort to anger or threats, becoming hostile or emotionally explosive to regain control over the situation.

Hoovering is particularly effective because it targets emotional vulnerabilities and exploits the hope or fear of the person on the receiving end. It’s often used to maintain control, either by pulling someone back into a toxic relationship or keeping them from setting strong boundaries or cutting ties completely.

How successful can hoovering be? Could we attempt a wild guess and express it as a percentage, or a range? #

While it’s difficult to quantify the success rate of hoovering with absolute precision due to the variability of human relationships and individual circumstances, we can make some educated guesses based on patterns observed in abusive or manipulative relationships, particularly those involving narcissistic personalities.

Several factors influence the success of hoovering, including the emotional resilience and awareness of the target, the manipulator’s skill, the history between the individuals, and the context of the break or distance in the relationship. With these considerations in mind, let’s explore potential success rates or ranges:

1. High Susceptibility Cases (60-80%):

• Emotional Vulnerability: Individuals who are deeply emotionally attached, dependent, or struggling with self-esteem may be very susceptible to hoovering. If the person leaving the relationship is experiencing grief, insecurity, or fear of abandonment, the manipulator’s tactics may be quite successful.

• Lack of Support Systems: Those who lack a strong social network, such as friends or family who can provide perspective or guidance, are more likely to fall for hoovering.

• History of Trauma Bonding: In toxic relationships, particularly where there has been a cycle of abuse and reconciliation, victims often develop what is called trauma bonding—a psychological phenomenon where they feel emotionally tied to their abuser. In these cases, hoovering is highly effective because the victim may have an ingrained pattern of returning.

2. Moderate Susceptibility Cases (30-60%):

• Uncertainty or Mixed Feelings: People who are ambivalent about leaving a relationship may be moderately susceptible to hoovering. They might know they should leave but are emotionally conflicted, making them easier to manipulate back into the relationship. For these individuals, success depends heavily on the manipulator’s ability to strike at just the right emotional moment.

• Shared Responsibilities: In cases where the relationship involves shared children, finances, or a long history, hoovering success can be higher because the manipulator has more points of access and reasons to re-engage the target.

3. Low Susceptibility Cases (10-30%):

• High Awareness of Manipulation: Individuals who have developed insight into the manipulator’s tactics or have undergone therapy are far less likely to be hoovered back into the relationship. They are more aware of the signs of emotional abuse and manipulation, making them more resistant.

• Strong Boundaries and Support: People who have established firm boundaries and have the support of friends, family, or therapists are much harder to manipulate. They are less likely to be emotionally swayed, and hoovering attempts will likely fall flat.

4. Minimal to No Susceptibility Cases (0-10%):

• Complete Disengagement: In cases where the target has cut all contact (including blocking phone numbers, emails, and social media accounts) and has completely moved on, the success rate of hoovering is extremely low. While hoovering attempts may still occur, they will have little to no impact.

Wild Guess Range:

If we had to estimate a broad success rate range for hoovering across different cases, it might fall somewhere between 30-60%. This accounts for the fact that many individuals have some degree of emotional vulnerability or connection to the manipulator but also acknowledges the increasing awareness of emotional manipulation tactics through education and psychological support.

The percentage can be higher in relationships where the victim is isolated or emotionally dependent and lower where the person has gained clarity and perspective on the manipulator’s patterns.

What is the recommended answer to it? #

When faced with hoovering attempts, especially from a manipulative or toxic individual, a recommended response is to maintain strong boundaries and avoid engaging with the manipulator. Here’s how to handle it effectively:

1. No Contact:

• Completely Cut Off Communication: The most effective response is to go no contact—block the person’s phone number, emails, and social media profiles, and avoid any interaction. This prevents the manipulator from having opportunities to exploit vulnerabilities.

• Avoid Responding: Even seemingly harmless responses like a polite “thank you” or a simple acknowledgment can open the door for further manipulation. Any engagement is seen as a victory by the hooverer.

2. Gray Rock Method (if contact is unavoidable):

• Be Emotionally Unresponsive: If cutting off all contact is not an option (e.g., due to shared children or work), use the gray rock technique. This involves being as emotionally bland and unengaging as possible, giving short, non-detailed answers, and avoiding showing any emotion or interest. The idea is to make yourself an uninteresting target.

• Stick to the Facts: In situations where communication is necessary, only respond to logistical or practical matters, ignoring any emotional appeals or attempts at drawing you into conversation.

3. Self-Care and Support:

• Lean on Your Support Network: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for emotional support. Talking about the situation with someone who can provide perspective helps reinforce your decision and gives you the strength to maintain your boundaries.

• Recognize Manipulation: Remind yourself of the reasons why you distanced yourself from this person in the first place. Keeping a journal of past manipulations or abuses can serve as a powerful reminder of the necessity to resist re-engagement.

4. Be Firm and Consistent:

• Clearly Communicate Boundaries: If the hoovering individual is persistent, you may need to clearly state your boundaries. For example: “I have no interest in resuming this relationship. Please respect my decision and do not contact me again.” While manipulative individuals often try to push boundaries, being firm is crucial.

• Do Not Waver: Manipulators often thrive on emotional inconsistency. If you hold firm once, but then relent later, it signals that your boundaries are negotiable. Consistency is key.

5. Seek Legal or Professional Help if Necessary:

• Restraining Orders or Legal Boundaries: If the hoovering becomes harassment or stalking, legal action may be necessary. Involving the authorities can provide an extra layer of protection if the manipulator refuses to respect boundaries.

• Therapeutic Support: Working with a therapist can help reinforce emotional resilience and develop strategies to cope with hoovering, especially if there is a history of trauma bonding or emotional dependency.

By following these steps, you can effectively counteract hoovering attempts, protect your emotional well-being, and maintain your independence from manipulative influences.