Coherent self-concept requires understanding of different perspectives.

Identity Formation #

We find more and more examples of identity being a central theme for anxious-preoccupied individuals, as opposed to fear. Are we missing something? #

You raise an intriguing point about identity being a central theme for anxious-preoccupied individuals, which warrants closer examination. Typically, the anxious-preoccupied attachment style is framed within attachment theory as being primarily driven by fear—specifically, fear of abandonment, rejection, and insecurity about one’s relational worth. However, reframing this through the lens of identity suggests a deeper, more existential dimension that complements the fear-based analysis, potentially offering a more comprehensive understanding of this attachment style.

The Role of Identity in the Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

1. Identity as a Core Concern:

For anxious-preoccupied individuals, a significant part of their distress can indeed be tied to identity—namely, how they perceive themselves within relationships. This attachment style is characterized by an intense need for validation and approval from others, which may stem from a fragile or underdeveloped sense of self. Unlike securely attached individuals, who can maintain a stable sense of self even in the face of relational challenges, anxious-preoccupied individuals often base their identity on external validation. This suggests that their fear of abandonment might not just be a fear of losing the other person, but also a fear of losing themselves, as their identity is heavily intertwined with the approval and presence of their attachment figures.

2. Identity Enmeshment:

Anxious-preoccupied individuals often experience a form of identity enmeshment, where the boundaries between self and others become blurred. They may struggle to maintain a clear sense of personal identity apart from their relationships. In this case, the preoccupation with others is not merely fear of abandonment, but a search for self-definition through relational contexts. This enmeshment creates anxiety because the loss of the other person equates to an erosion of the self. The search for external validation becomes a way to reinforce their own identity, which is perpetually in flux due to the instability of their relationships.

3. Identity Fragmentation:

If we consider identity fragmentation as a core theme, anxious-preoccupied individuals might face a fragmented or inconsistent self-concept. This fragmentation can manifest in an excessive reliance on relational feedback to assemble a coherent sense of self. Without clear, consistent validation, their identity may feel fractured, which can produce chronic anxiety. Their pursuit of connection can be understood as a means to “fill in the gaps” of their identity. Therefore, the anxiety they feel might not solely be fear of rejection, but an existential anxiety tied to the fragility of their self-concept.

4. Social Comparisons and Identity Insecurity:

An anxious-preoccupied individual may also engage in unhealthy social comparisons, continually measuring their worth or identity against others. The root of this behavior is a deeper insecurity about their place in the social hierarchy, and by extension, their self-worth. The constant need to compare can exacerbate anxiety, as their identity remains contingent upon fluctuating external markers of success, attractiveness, or desirability. Here, the anxiety might be less about direct fear and more about a deep-seated insecurity in their own identity.

Are We Missing Something by Focusing Too Much on Fear?

If we frame the anxious-preoccupied attachment style purely in terms of fear—particularly fear of rejection and abandonment—we risk overlooking the deeper struggle with identity formation and maintenance. The interplay between fear and identity is critical here, but identity might be the more fundamental issue. An anxious-preoccupied individual is not just fearful of losing the other person, but also of losing the version of themselves that they construct through that relationship.

In psychoanalytic terms, this could be related to Winnicott’s concept of the “false self,” where individuals adapt their identity to please others or gain approval, suppressing their true self in the process. This creates an internal tension—anxiety arising from the gap between the constructed (or externally dependent) identity and the authentic self. The anxiety is then not merely about relational insecurity, but an internal conflict regarding self-authenticity.

Potential Blind Spots in Current Interpretations:

• Overemphasis on Fear as a Simple Emotional Response: Attachment theory often frames anxiety as a reaction to perceived relational threats. However, this emphasis might reduce a complex, multifaceted emotional experience to a more simplistic, fear-based response. Identity issues, being more abstract and existential, can be harder to identify and address, yet may underlie much of the anxiety.

• Underappreciation of Existential Angst: The anxious-preoccupied individual might be experiencing a form of existential angst, where the core anxiety is about the meaning and coherence of the self in relation to others. This existential dimension is more about identity and belonging than fear per se, and might not always be captured in the fear-based framework.

• Neglect of Social and Cultural Factors in Identity Formation: Identity issues can also be magnified by societal and cultural pressures. For example, an individual’s preoccupation with their relational identity might be exacerbated by social norms that emphasize the importance of romantic or social success. This external pressure can distort how they construct their identity and make it harder to achieve a stable, secure sense of self. Traditional attachment theory, focusing mainly on personal and familial dynamics, may sometimes overlook these larger societal influences on identity formation.

Conclusion: Identity as Central to Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

Ultimately, identity appears to be a crucial, if underexplored, theme in the anxious-preoccupied attachment style. While fear of abandonment and rejection are undoubtedly significant, they may be symptomatic of a deeper struggle with identity formation. The need for constant validation, the enmeshment with others, and the fragility of self-concept all point to identity as a fundamental concern. By broadening our understanding of this attachment style to include identity issues, we gain a richer, more nuanced picture of the emotional and psychological dynamics at play, offering new avenues for both theoretical development and therapeutic intervention.

How does identity formation work in children? #

Identity formation in children is a complex, multi-stage process that involves the integration of cognitive, social, emotional, and environmental factors. This process begins early in life and continues into adolescence and adulthood, but key aspects of identity are first laid down during childhood. At its core, identity formation refers to the development of a stable and coherent sense of self, which encompasses personal values, beliefs, roles, and relationships. Understanding how identity forms in children requires examining the key stages, influences, and psychological mechanisms at play.

1. Early Childhood (Infancy to Age 3): The Foundation of Identity

A. Attachment and Early Emotional Development The earliest stages of identity formation are closely linked to attachment theory. Infants and toddlers form their sense of self in relation to their caregivers. According to John Bowlby’s attachment theory, a secure attachment with primary caregivers is foundational for the development of a stable sense of self. Children who experience consistent, responsive caregiving develop a sense of trust and security, which contributes to a positive self-concept. Conversely, insecure attachment (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) can lead to challenges in developing a coherent self-image.

B. Differentiation of Self and Others Between the ages of 1 and 3, children begin to recognize themselves as separate individuals. This process of individuation is marked by increasing self-awareness, as evidenced by behaviors such as recognizing themselves in a mirror, using personal pronouns (like “I” and “me”), and expressing preferences and desires. These early experiences of autonomy contribute to the foundation of identity by helping children distinguish themselves from others.

C. Social Learning and Mimicry Children in this stage learn about themselves through interactions with their environment, particularly through mimicry and observation. They begin to internalize social cues and behavioral expectations, which are crucial for understanding societal roles and norms. At this point, identity is heavily shaped by imitation and feedback from caregivers and significant others, but is still largely fluid and dependent on external validation.

2. Early Childhood (Ages 3 to 7): The Formation of a Social Identity

A. Gender Identity One of the earliest and most salient forms of identity formation in children is the development of gender identity. By age 3, most children have a clear sense of their gender and begin to adopt behaviors and attitudes that align with societal expectations for their gender role. This process involves both biological and social factors. Children learn about gender roles through social modeling, reinforcement, and observation of gendered behaviors in adults and peers.

B. Play and Role Exploration Play is a critical mechanism for identity formation during early childhood. Through imaginative play, children explore different roles (e.g., playing house, pretending to be superheroes or doctors), which helps them understand social dynamics and experiment with different aspects of their identity. Play allows children to test out various identities in a safe and controlled environment, contributing to their understanding of roles, responsibilities, and relationships.

C. Moral and Social Rules At this stage, children also begin to internalize social norms and moral values, which contribute to the shaping of their identity. Through interactions with parents, teachers, and peers, children learn what behaviors are acceptable, what values are important, and how their actions affect others. This internalization of social rules helps form the basis of the child’s moral identity, as they start to see themselves as moral agents who can differentiate between right and wrong.

3. Middle Childhood (Ages 7 to 11): The Emergence of a Personal Identity

A. Self-Concept and Cognitive Development During middle childhood, children’s cognitive abilities undergo significant development, which allows for more abstract thinking and self-reflection. Their self-concept becomes more differentiated, as they start to describe themselves not just in terms of physical attributes or simple categories (e.g., “I’m a boy/girl,” or “I’m good at drawing”), but in terms of psychological traits (e.g., “I’m smart,” or “I’m kind”). This development is aided by the growing ability to engage in perspective-taking, which helps children understand how others perceive them and how they fit into social groups.

B. Social Comparison and Peer Influence As children become more social, peer relationships begin to play a crucial role in identity formation. Through social comparison, children evaluate themselves relative to their peers in terms of skills, intelligence, and popularity. This can have both positive and negative effects on self-esteem and identity. The opinions of peers and social groups increasingly influence children’s sense of who they are, as they seek to fit in and be accepted.

C. Competence and Achievement Another key aspect of identity formation in middle childhood is the development of a sense of competence. According to Erik Erikson’s psychosocial stages, this period is defined by the conflict of industry vs. inferiority, where children strive to master new skills and take pride in their accomplishments. Success in school, sports, and other activities contributes to a sense of industry and competence, which enhances their self-concept and identity. Conversely, repeated failure or criticism can lead to feelings of inferiority, which may negatively impact identity formation.

4. Late Childhood (Ages 11 to 12): Pre-Adolescent Identity Development

A. Increasing Independence and Autonomy As children approach adolescence, they begin to seek more independence from their parents and other authority figures. This growing autonomy is a critical part of identity development, as children start to make decisions that reflect their personal values, preferences, and goals, rather than simply following the expectations of adults. This period serves as a bridge between the externally defined identity of early childhood and the more self-directed identity exploration of adolescence.

B. Developing a Coherent Sense of Self Toward the end of childhood, children begin to form a more coherent and stable sense of self. They are able to integrate various aspects of their identity—gender, moral values, competence, and social roles—into a more unified whole. This process sets the stage for the more intense identity exploration that typically occurs during adolescence. However, for some children, identity may remain fluid or uncertain, particularly if they struggle with feelings of inadequacy, social rejection, or conflicting values.

C. Preparation for Adolescence: Role Models and Ideals During late childhood, children often begin to form ideals and identify role models, which help shape their emerging identity. These role models can be parents, teachers, celebrities, or fictional characters, and children start to emulate the qualities they admire in these figures. This stage is often a precursor to the more active and conscious identity exploration that occurs in adolescence, where young people begin to question societal norms and experiment with different identities.

Theoretical Perspectives on Identity Formation in Children

Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Theory: Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development highlight the importance of resolving identity-related conflicts at various stages. For children, the key stages involve developing trust (infancy), autonomy (early childhood), initiative (preschool years), and industry (school age). Successfully navigating these stages contributes to a solid foundation for identity in adolescence.

Jean Piaget’s Cognitive Development Theory: Piaget’s stages of cognitive development provide insight into how children’s growing cognitive abilities enable them to think about themselves and others in more complex ways. In the concrete operational stage (ages 7–11), children develop the ability to think logically and understand different perspectives, which is crucial for forming a coherent self-concept.

Lev Vygotsky’s Sociocultural Theory: Vygotsky’s theory emphasizes the role of social interaction and culture in identity formation. Children learn about themselves and the world through interactions with more knowledgeable others (e.g., parents, teachers, peers), and their identity is shaped by the cultural tools and values they are exposed to.

Identity formation in children is a dynamic, ongoing process that involves the integration of self-awareness, social interactions, cognitive development, and cultural influences. It begins with basic recognition of self in infancy and evolves into a more complex and multifaceted sense of identity as children develop. While early childhood lays the groundwork for identity through attachment, social learning, and gender role exploration, middle childhood introduces peer influence, competence, and personal values into the equation. By late childhood, children are beginning to form a more stable and coherent sense of self, preparing them for the more conscious identity exploration that will occur in adolescence.

How does a coherent self-concept depend on understanding diverse perspectives? At first glance, the two seem unrelated? #

The development of a coherent self-concept indeed requires an understanding of different perspectives, even though the two may appear initially unrelated. A coherent self-concept is essentially a stable, integrated understanding of who one is across various contexts and relationships. To achieve this, individuals—beginning as children—must develop a sense of how they fit into the social world and how others perceive and relate to them. This requires a capacity for perspective-taking, as it provides critical feedback that helps individuals synthesize their self-concept, particularly in social dimensions.

Let’s unpack why these seemingly unrelated processes—self-concept formation and perspective-taking—are actually deeply interwoven.

1. Social Feedback as a Mirror for Self-Concept

Our self-concept, especially in social domains, is not developed in isolation. It is continually shaped and refined through feedback we receive from others—both direct and indirect. Children, for example, often gain their first understandings of “self” and “other” by observing how caregivers respond to them. As they grow, peer interactions become vital, and understanding how others view them provides a basis for self-assessment. This is where perspective-taking becomes crucial: being able to consider how others see them allows children to compare their self-image with these external reflections and adjust their self-concept accordingly.

Perspective-taking, in this sense, acts as a tool for refining and validating aspects of self-concept. Without this ability, a person may struggle to reconcile inconsistencies in social feedback, which can lead to a fragmented or incoherent self-concept.

2. Integration of Social Roles and Multiple Identities

A coherent self-concept requires an individual to integrate multiple social roles and identities, such as being a sibling, friend, student, or teammate, into a single, unified sense of self. Each of these roles carries different expectations, norms, and behaviors, and perspective-taking enables individuals to understand and internalize these social roles without experiencing role confusion. For example, a child who understands the expectations of being a “good friend” and can see themselves through a friend’s perspective is better equipped to incorporate this role into their self-concept.

Without perspective-taking, a person may struggle to reconcile these different roles, leading to a fragmented self-concept where the “self” experienced in one role may feel incompatible with another. Understanding these perspectives helps synthesize a more unified identity across different contexts.

3. Self-Other Differentiation and Individuality

A coherent self-concept also involves understanding oneself as distinct from others—a process known as self-other differentiation. Perspective-taking supports this by clarifying boundaries between self and others. For instance, by considering another person’s perspective, a child learns that others may have thoughts, desires, and emotions that differ from their own. This recognition allows children to distinguish between their own identity and the identities of others, reinforcing their sense of self as separate and unique.

Without perspective-taking, the boundaries between self and others can become blurred, making it difficult for a person to define who they are independently of others’ expectations and identities. This is particularly relevant in close relationships, where individuals who cannot maintain a clear sense of self may develop enmeshment, overly internalizing others’ expectations and, as a result, struggling with a coherent sense of personal identity.

4. Internal Consistency and Self-Reflection

A coherent self-concept requires a degree of internal consistency, where an individual’s values, beliefs, and behaviors are aligned. Perspective-taking, especially in middle childhood and adolescence, enhances self-reflection by allowing individuals to see themselves from an external viewpoint, akin to holding up a mirror. This capacity enables a person to recognize discrepancies between their actions and values and motivates alignment between the two, contributing to a more internally consistent self-concept.

Consider, for example, a teenager who values honesty but acts deceptively in social situations to fit in. By considering how they are perceived by others and how these perceptions conflict with their own values, they can achieve a more consistent self-concept by realigning their behaviors to better reflect their core values. Without perspective-taking, the individual may remain unaware of these inconsistencies, leading to a fragmented or incoherent self-concept where actions and values are misaligned.

5. Empathy and Emotional Regulation in Social Identity

A coherent self-concept also encompasses understanding and regulating one’s emotions in a socially adaptive manner. Perspective-taking enhances empathy, enabling an individual to attune their emotions to others’ experiences, which is especially important for forming a socially coherent identity. For instance, understanding how one’s actions impact others allows a child or adolescent to regulate their emotions in socially appropriate ways, reinforcing a socially adaptive self-concept.

Emotional regulation also fosters a coherent self-concept by helping individuals process feedback without overreacting or internalizing negative aspects that might disrupt a stable self-image. When people lack the ability to view situations from others’ perspectives, they may have greater difficulty managing social emotions, which can destabilize their self-concept.

6. Development of Self-Authenticity through Relational Identity

A coherent self-concept isn’t simply about consistency—it’s also about authenticity, or the sense that one’s identity aligns with their inner values and beliefs. As children and adolescents develop, they test out various behaviors and roles in social contexts to determine which resonate with their authentic selves. Perspective-taking helps them assess social feedback to decide which aspects of their social identity feel genuine and which feel externally imposed.

For instance, if a child tries out a behavior that garners negative feedback from peers but doesn’t align with their internal values, they can view this experience from the peers’ perspectives, re-evaluate, and discard this behavior without feeling that their core self-concept is threatened. By trying on various “social masks” and evaluating their authenticity, perspective-taking enables individuals to construct a self-concept that feels true to themselves, even within a socially complex world.

Perspective-taking and the development of a coherent self-concept are closely linked because the ability to see oneself from others’ viewpoints provides essential information for self-assessment, boundary setting, and consistency across social roles. Without this skill, individuals might lack the social feedback necessary to integrate multiple aspects of themselves coherently, remain unclear on their uniqueness in relation to others, and struggle to form an authentic, stable self-concept. Far from being unrelated, these two processes work in tandem to create a self-concept that is both stable and adaptable across social contexts.

Returning to anxious-preoccupied attachment, Najwa Zebian’s idea of ‘building homes in others’ hearts’ resonates. Might the deeper devastation in losing a connection lie in the erosion of self, rather than the absence of the other? #

Najwa Zebian’s metaphor of “building homes in other people’s hearts” encapsulates a profound aspect of anxious-preoccupied attachment, especially the way such individuals seek stability, validation, and identity within others. For an anxious-preoccupied person, relationships often serve as emotional anchors, shaping not only their sense of safety but also their sense of self. The loss of a significant attachment, therefore, often carries a double blow: the relational loss of the other person and the identity loss associated with them. This concept shifts the emphasis to understanding why the internal disarray that follows a loss can feel more devastating than the absence of the individual themselves.

1. The Identity Home: Dependency on Relational Self-Definition

For individuals with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles, relationships often provide a critical platform for self-definition. As Zebian’s metaphor suggests, the “home” built in another’s heart isn’t simply a connection but also a place of belonging and identity. In psychological terms, this can be understood as a fragile self-concept that relies on external sources of validation, emotional regulation, and even self-coherence. The presence of the other person reinforces a sense of worth, stability, and, crucially, an understanding of who they are. When that “home” is lost, it’s not just the loss of a close connection but the dismantling of a part of their self-concept, which feels profoundly destabilizing.

2. Loss of Self as an Existential Crisis

Losing the “self” in the context of a relationship triggers an existential crisis for anxious-preoccupied individuals. They often derive their sense of self from the affirmation, attention, and regard received from their attachment figures. When these relational anchors are removed, the individual is left with a void that is less about the physical or emotional absence of the other and more about the collapse of the identity framework they had structured around that person.

This explains why the end of a relationship can leave them feeling not only bereft of companionship but also “homeless” in an existential sense. Their internal experience might parallel the experience of physical homelessness: feeling adrift, ungrounded, and without a sense of where they belong. This identity void can be more devastating than the loss of the other person because it destabilizes their very sense of being.

3. The Relational Self vs. the Independent Self

An anxious-preoccupied attachment style often lacks a robust independent self-concept and instead relies on a “relational self,” where the self is defined predominantly through close relationships. Unlike securely attached individuals, who possess a sense of self that remains relatively intact despite relational changes, anxious-preoccupied individuals experience their identities as intertwined with their relationships. For them, relational loss doesn’t just diminish their social circle—it fractures their sense of identity.

The fear of abandonment in these individuals may thus be more about the fear of losing this relational self than about losing the individual themselves. In this framework, the person’s emotional turmoil reflects a grief over the “self” they constructed in that relationship and the disorientation that follows when it’s taken away.

4. Dependency and the Risk of Identity Erosion

Because anxious-preoccupied individuals build their self-worth and self-understanding around others, they are at high risk for identity erosion in relationships. This dependency makes the emotional upheaval following a loss particularly painful, as they must confront an identity void they hadn’t fully recognized before. When Zebian speaks of “building homes in other people’s hearts,” it suggests that these individuals often invest heavily in relationships to gain the stability and affirmation they cannot readily generate internally. Losing the relationship then triggers an identity crisis, which may be experienced as an even greater loss than the emotional connection with the other person.

5. Reconstructing the Self Post-Loss: Identity Regeneration

When an anxious-preoccupied person loses an attachment figure, the recovery often involves more than typical grief; it requires a restructuring of self-concept. Without the anchoring effect of the attachment figure, the individual faces the daunting task of reconstructing their sense of self, an effort that goes beyond typical relational healing. Many in this situation may find themselves in a cycle of attempting to rebuild their identity through new relationships, effectively recreating the same dynamic. The true challenge—and, arguably, the healthier path—involves cultivating an independent, stable self-concept that does not rely exclusively on external validation.

This rebuilding process is difficult because it involves facing one’s existential fears and vulnerabilities directly. Developing an independent identity demands emotional work that challenges deep-seated dependencies and builds resilience. In this way, the work of reconstructing the self becomes central to healing, possibly even more so than moving on from the relationship.

6. A Shift in Understanding Loss in Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

Understanding the loss of self as a more devastating aspect than the loss of the other person shifts our approach to supporting anxious-preoccupied individuals in recovery. Traditional grief counseling might focus on emotional release or moving through stages of grief, but for anxious-preoccupied individuals, therapy might benefit from a focus on rebuilding identity resilience and fostering internal sources of validation.

Zebian’s metaphor is insightful here, as it speaks to the inherent risk of relying on others for “homes” in the form of identity. Building a stable, internal “home” in oneself becomes a more sustainable path, allowing for healthier, less enmeshed relationships. Reframing this loss as an opportunity for self-concept development can offer these individuals a path toward a secure self-concept, ultimately leading to more balanced and enduring relationships.

Conclusion: Loss of Self as the Deeper Trauma

In summary, for individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, the true devastation of relational loss may stem from the dissolution of the self, rather than from the simple absence of another. Zebian’s metaphor of “building homes in other people’s hearts” aptly captures this dynamic, highlighting the dependency on others for self-validation and identity. The therapeutic approach, therefore, should emphasize helping individuals build a resilient, independent self-concept that can withstand relational changes without leading to an identity crisis. By focusing on the internal “home” as a source of stability, anxious-preoccupied individuals can foster a self-concept that is both coherent and secure, reducing the existential devastation typically associated with relational loss.